I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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