i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
