I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
