note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
