I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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