Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
