i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
