We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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