Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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