see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
