I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
