Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
