I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
