Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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