so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
