I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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