god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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