Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
