I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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