Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
