There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
