i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
