you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
