Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
