She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
