Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
