Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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