Just took my morning after pill in the library
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
being pregnant is like rehab
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
