if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
