You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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