So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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