i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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