I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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