i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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