He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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