Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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