I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
