If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
