Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
