You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
