the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I did not marry a roomba.
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