If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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