Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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