The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
