I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
