he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
