I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Bring me that man meat
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
