My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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