Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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