I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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