watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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