I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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