you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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