i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
