just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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