last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
