An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Randomize
