He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
