You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
