Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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