I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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