My liver just broke up with me...
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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