Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
