So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
