drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize